Conflict is a natural part of life. When working with families, it’s not a matter of if conflict will arise, but when. Whether you're a lawyer, trust officer, advisor, or family enterprise consultant, your role often places you in the crosshairs of interpersonal, intergenerational, and values-based tensions.
Handled poorly, conflict can fracture relationships and stall progress. Handled skillfully, it can be a powerful source of insight, creativity, and transformation.
So how can we manage conflict more effectively in family-facing professional roles?
Understanding What Conflict Really Is
At its core, conflict is an overt or covert opposition between two or more parties that arises from differing needs, values, goals, or perceptions. It may be loud and direct, or quiet and corrosive. It often begins when someone perceives that something they care about has been threatened.
Conflict isn’t always dysfunctional. While old-school thinking framed it as a breakdown in communication or trust, more modern views accept it as a normal, and sometimes necessary, part of human relationships. The key is to engage with it constructively.
Common Types of Conflict in Family Work
- Intrapersonal: A client feels torn between loyalty to a parent and their own needs.
- Interpersonal: Two siblings disagree about a caregiving plan or estate distribution.
- Intragroup: Conflict within a blended family or family business team.
- Intergroup: Tensions between professional teams (e.g., legal and financial advisors).
Being able to diagnose the type of conflict helps tailor your response.
What Drives Conflict in Families?
Every conflict has layers. Beneath the surface issue - say, a disagreement about a will or care plan -are deeper factors.
The Wheel of Conflict framework identifies five key sources:
- Structure/Context: Limited time, resources, or unclear decision-making roles.
- Communication: Misunderstandings, assumptions, or too much ambiguity.
- Emotions: Unspoken fears, grief, or resentment fueling tension.
- History: Long-standing family patterns or unresolved past disputes.
- Values: Differing beliefs about fairness, responsibility, or legacy.
Understanding these root causes allows for smarter, more sensitive interventions.
One of the things we notice in our work at Heritage Trust is how many conflicts within families, especially around major transitions like death, aging, divorce, or inheritance, are fueled not necessarily by the surface disagreement or the “presenting problem,” but in reality by underlying, often unacknowledged grief.
Grief is not limited to the loss of a person; it also arises from the loss of roles, expectations, identity, and imagined futures.
When grief is unrecognized, unexpressed, or minimized, it often resurfaces as:
- Anger (misdirected at siblings, spouses, or advisors)
- Blame (over decisions about estates, caregiving, or finances)
- Resentment (about perceived injustices or favoritism)
- Withdrawal (refusal to communicate or engage)
Instead of openly mourning losses, family members often get stuck in power struggles or chronic low-grade conflict.
Managing Conflict: Styles and Strategies
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to conflict. Five core styles exist, and each has its place:
- Collaborating (win-win): Ideal for complex, high-stakes issues.
- Competing (win-lose): Useful in urgent or principled situations.
- Compromising (middle ground): Effective when time or stakes are moderate.
- Accommodating (give in): Appropriate when preserving the relationship matters more than the issue.
- Avoiding (step back): Sometimes the wisest choice, especially when emotions are running high.
The key is to know your own default style—and when to shift it.
Practical Tools for Practitioners
When you’re managing an active conflict, try this three-step approach:
- Information Gathering
- Interview all stakeholders
- Review relevant documents
- Map the players and perspectives
- Surface both stated and unstated needs
- Conflict Analysis
- Identify the conflict type (task, process, relationship)
- Assess conflict intensity and escalation
- Consider each party’s preferred management style
- Be mindful of power dynamics and past interactions
- Process Selection
- Direct negotiation
- Facilitation
- Mediation
- Re-negotiation of expectations
And don’t underestimate the power of soft skills: active listening, asking thoughtful questions, reframing narratives, and summarizing for clarity.
Conflict Prevention Starts Early
Where possible, conflict is best managed before it erupts. That means:
- Clear roles and responsibilities
- Transparent communication
- Documenting agreements and expectations
- Regular check-ins
- Setting ground rules for decision-making
Preventative measures are especially important in complex family systems where power, money, and care are involved.
Final Takeaways
- Conflict is normal - and can be constructive if managed well.
- Understanding the sources and styles of conflict gives you important information to address it constructively.
- Prevention is powerful.
- You don’t need to resolve every conflict, but you do need to manage it well to reduce adverse impacts.
Whether you're supporting aging parents, settling estates, or navigating intergenerational wealth, your ability to engage skillfully with conflict will define your impact.
Recognized by Best Lawyers in Canada for trusts and estates and family law, she previously chaired the Canadian Bar Association Wills and Trusts Subsection (Vancouver).
Contact Nicole by email or phone at (778) 742-5005
Heritage Trust is a leading non-deposit taking financial institution, regulated by the BC Financial Services Authority (BCFSA), a government agency of the Province of British Columbia. Heritage Trust offers caring and professional executor, trustee, power of attorney, committee, escrow and family office services to BC resident clients.
We welcome you to contact us.